While the tea was getting cold
I was dying and being born again.
Deep inside, this is a barely noticeable feeling..
Only when it becomes a call, you understand that the time has come.
It is time to change something, no...not change but go deep inside this feeling.
Pieces of you start becoming alive and at first it feels very painful,
Because accumulation from past centuries are so sharp, one will have to see it.
I am ready.

My name is Nikita.

I will write about my path to awakening.

To be completely honest, I don’t really like this word.
That state in which I am right now, or to be more precise, that what I am cannot be described in words.
A word is good to use as a pointer, however the word is not precise.

A word is always near,, always around something, a word is limited, just like our mind. The mind can describe love, some romantic scenes, it can present beautifully anything we want. But it cannot live through love, it cannot experience feelings, that what it describes.

I saw this limitation in my childhood. I saw this on the background of my inner perception. As I was getting older my perception was changing, it was becoming more ample, more sensory then before. That gave me a force, an advantage over those who lived inside their mind. I was closer to true essence, because I was listening to my feelings, not mind.

I fell in love with that force.

That force that was destroying me..

Only later I understood that it was not destroying me but my ego.

Ego is not bad, it’s just an evolutionary cog in our development, everything is ok with it.
I simply started fiddling with this cog, digging into it through suffering that came my way and all those that I created myself.
Ego works in such a way that it first arises from suffering and ultimately it is destroyed by suffering, this I only realised after…
Before that moment I was just getting close to the turning point, intuitively by following that feeling -
Feeling that would not leave me in peace, is an inner knowing that I am not all this, I am far more. Just need to remove that, do something whatever that is, using any methods, with THAT which is limiting me,
With that which doesn’t let me express my being and use all my potential to maximum here and now.

It was not anything too complicated or an
outstanding discovery, it is a very simple evolutionary process, in other words it is growing up.
But not in the physical sense, it goes beyond physical, astral and mental bodies. It is beyond all that, it is beyond all concepts and notions. This is a birth..
I was on the path since 15 years old.

When I was 15 I came across an introduction to book Agni Yoga, written by Latvian-born writer Alfred Heidok, who was also a student of Nikolai Roerich.
You read a word yoga, but I’ll point out that this book and the whole teaching of Agni Yoga doesn’t have anything to do with physical exercises.

It was an internal work, self-perfection, soaked in a fiery intention to come out of habitual perception of life.
At the age of 15 I was not ready to follow the call, but sparks of this teaching made their way inside me. And years after these sparks have spread into a fire.

Fire that was consuming me all at once. It was taking away the zest of ordinary life, the one that is lived by millions.
A desire to find out what is inside that abyss, what is it, to which this life is forcefully pushing me. I have made up my mind at the age of 23, somewhere in the ocean, while working as a sailor on a tank vessel.
It happened on its own, quantum leap in consciousness, I experienced a samadhi.
Don’t remember for how long I was lying in blissful state..remember that the morning after when I came to mirror in bathroom and began brushing my teeth.
It was very strange, body was cleaning itself, hands were doing some movements, I saw that I am not participating in this process in any way...Who am I?
I was the seer, the witnesser of what was happening.
It was striking, it was a completely new perception - programmes and processes of the mind became visible as if on my own hand.
I started seeing the route of all problems, ego and all that rubbish that was randomly controlling my life.
I started seeing ego..
At this point the real work has begun.
I started purifying myself from all that rubbish.
I’ve received various insights and new understanding and it has changed everything.

Five months have passed..
I returned home from the race and moved for some time to Torquay, a seaside town in England.
There I was dropping deeper into the new perception, Nikita was there no more.
Physically and from outside I remained the same but inside it was all different.
Where was puddle, became an ocean..
Where was a desert, now garden with flowers..
Where was pride, now whisper of centuries..
I came up against the new walls.
The experience of samadhi gradually finished, I got used to the new state, to new perception. I started to see way better, deeper.
I began searching for a Teacher.
A person who went further and who could help me.
Life inside the mind turned out a nursery, grey, boring and very sick..
There was no way back..

A bird, once out of the egg, cannot go back. Same was happening with me. I knew that I had to go further…
The life very timely introduced me to Genady.
Instant response…
This is the right way...this person can lead me further.
I moved from England back to Riga, where the retreat was being held.
In five days I deepened this state by two times.
The walls became thinner. And I went to the next retreat.
There I went beyond the meaning of all these words, I woke up.

Seated at the table, while the tea was getting cold,
I was dying and being born again.